Attention, Shoppers

Prompt: Customer


Hello Wednesday,

I’m just passing through today; have had a busy week what with cannabis, my sister visiting, a birthday party, and decorating a fantasy home, so without further adieu please allow me to present this small collection of my favourite cartoons relating to the casual prompt, “customer”:

I know my dog would window shop if he could, and with more enthusiasm than me:

cartoon dog butcher shop

Is it me or is it crazy that there are whole aisles at the supermarket dedicated to yogurt, potato chips, and yes, water?

cartoon bill-woodman-little-dutch-boy-at-supermarket-holds-his-finger-against-a-bottle-in-the-new-yorker-cartoon_a-G-9191008-8419447

Me, sometime soon:

cartoon attention shoppers


Have a wonderful week— though please check in tomorrow for Throwback Thursday.

~~FP

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How to Find Water When You are Lost

Prompt: Water

river water painting

Hello, campers, hikers, adventurers, or hapless travellers whose cars break down in the middle of nowhere…

Here’s hoping you have notified friends, family or authorities of your plans for communing with nature so that you won’t have to wait weeks to be found.

We each require about two litres or quarts of water per day, and if you are lost and stressed you will probably need more, even in cold conditions, so sourcing water is a priority.

Here are some basic tips for finding water in the woods. Stay calm and alert, and good luck!

  • Water flows downhill. Obviously. So low-lying areas are your best bet for finding rivers and streams.
  • Animals know where the water is. Look for wildlife and animal tracks. Bird flight paths early in the morning can direct you to a water source.
  • Swarming insects, bless them, can indicate that water is close by.
  • Lush green vegetation is a another sign that water is near.
  • Shhh. Woods can be quiet. Take a moment in your search to listen for rivers, because the sound will travel.
  • Rainwater: use any and all containers to collect rainwater. A poncho or plastic sheeting strung up by corners can be a syphon for the water to flow into another container, or act as a water bag.
  • Fruits and other vegetation can provide sources of water. Think coconuts or cacti; or collect water overnight from wide, sturdy leaves.
  • Snow can be melted to provide water— frozen water can actually cause dehydration so take the time to melt it.
  • If you find a muddy area, you can dig a hole about a foot deep and wide and wait for it to fill with water. You’ll need some cloth to filter the water, but it should do in a pinch.

Purify! Almost all the water you source in the wild will need to be purified. Boil the water for 10 minutes, use water purification tablets, or be prepared with something called the Lifestraw, which is an iodine-free, big fat straw that can safely filter about 700 litres of water, with sales helping to provide safe drinking water globally.

Lifestraw


  • Note: The author is not affiliated with Lifestraw; just thought it was a cool idea.
  • Top image by Chris Sampson.

Agony Ant: Still Thirsty

Prompt: Survival

storm at sea Robert_Salmon

Dear Agony Ant,

I was on a private Polynesian cruise with my boyfriend and two other couples, when there was a perfect storm and the boat sank. Everyone drowned except me and Arness, who was named after a TV actor. I didn’t know him well, though we became acquainted after spending several weeks on the open sea in a little dinghy, with no water or food.

So what’s the problem? you ask. Well, the thing is, we survived the ordeal, or I wouldn’t be writing to you, but something happened while we were floating, totally alone, with no hope of rescue or comfort.

We were not concerned about betraying our partners, since they were dead. And in fact, I was not interested in sex with Arness, and he didn’t really need me to satisfy him, if you get my drift. So that was not the problem.

He also talked in his sleep, which was not a problem either, since his nighttime ramblings about goats and Microsoft, were, to me, more interesting than his careful, conscious conversation, during which he avoided topics of philosophy and fixated on basketball.

The thing is, we went almost a week without water, even though the sky was overcast and the air was heavy and humid, and we bobbed on the ocean in our little inflatable, dying, probably literally, of thirst.

We set out the cup we had, and cleared the bottom of the dinghy of debris, and prayed to all the gods, foreign and domestic, for rain.

And the gods answered. We got a full one-third cup of water after the rains, and after we sopped up the rainwater pooled in the bottom of our inflatable with Arness’s t-shirt, and squeezed it into the cup.

My lord, we were beyond knowing what thirsty was. When you are thirsty you feel a tickle in the back of your throat, right? We, or,at least I, were beyond the tickle. It was what we dreamed of, awake or asleep. It is, of course, the old irony, of “water water everywhere and not a drop to drink”. There is something extremely cruel about a Being that would put you in the middle of endless seas and watch you die of thirst.

Anyway, we collected our water, through careful planning, patience, and desperation. There was the almost-half cup of water, not as pure as we would have desired, since it contained a lot of Arness’s body salts and smells, by way of his t-shirt, but it was water.

We did rock-paper-scissors to see who would take the first sip; who would have the first half of the water.

Arness won. Damn that rock.

“Just half,” I reminded him, as I passed the cup into his hands. As if he needed reminding.

He nodded, though, and brought the cup to his lips.

When he handed it back to me, it was empty.

Empty. Arness stared at the cup, and then at me. “Oh my god,” he said.

I upturned the cup into my mouth, and not a drop found its way to my tongue.

“My tongue was a sponge,” Arness said. “Oh my god, I’m sorry.”

I ran my finger around the edge and bottom of the cup, in search of a water molecule, and failed to find one.

“It only felt like a sip, Casey, honestly,” said Arness.

So we got rescued a day later. We have been back on dry land for a few months now, and Arness fluctuates between calling me several times a day to see how I am doing, and calling me several times a night, drunk, to see how I am doing.

The fact is, he decided his life was more important than mine while we were floating on the ocean.

I have an opportunity, through my job and connections, to sink Arness’s career and throw him out onto the street. We work in a competitive financial environment, where I am on the rise, while Arness has made one or two promising gambles, which blew up in his face.

Should I exact my revenge for his nefarious deed in the dinghy?

Sincerely,
Still Thirsty


Dear Still Thirsty,

Ahoy! I would throw the blighter overboard with just a lifesaver (the minty kind you find at the supermarket checkout).

Or, write a tell-all book about your TRUE LIFE experience, and in interviews on your book tour with late night talk show hosts, insist you have forgiven Arness for his unforgivable deed, relating it in great detail each time.

If the host asks if you had sex, scrunch up your face and say, “ew”.

Peace and love,
agony ant


Dear Agony Ant,

But would I have done any differently, if I had won rock-paper-scissors?

Sincerely,
Still Thirsty


Dear Still Thirsty,

Thank goodness you will never have to know.

Peace and love,
agony ant