Agony Ant: Lapsing Pacifist

Prompt: Smooth

live-chicken

Dear Agony Ant,

I like to use a hair straightener/ flat iron on my frizzy hair to make it smoother and shinier, but my friend Darlene says I am just frying my hair and then hiding the damage.

Every time we meet up with the gang at Piper’s Pub, she makes a comment like, “Did you straighten it again? You are ruining your hair!”

She also believes I shouldn’t wear nail polish on fingers or toes because my nails won’t get enough oxygen, and that if I wear deodorant it will clog my pores. She would never grill meat on the barbecue, she informed me, because char gives you cancer.

Otherwise she is a fine bridge player, tells jokes well, gets on with my (second) husband Barry, and is a thoughtful dinner guest, though she does not visit our home without mentioning the number of dust mites hiding in the carpet, and showing us an enlarged picture of same on her iPhone.

I am weary of listening silently, then ignoring her advice, which is what my sister Evelyn counselled. In fact, I am thinking of purchasing a legal firearm.

How can I deal with Darlene in a way that will both quiet her tongue and allow me to feel some satisfaction that she will suffer a little, too?

Sincerely,
Lapsing Pacifist


 

Dear Lapsing Pacifist,

Have you realized yet that she is trying to steal your husband Barry? She wants him to see you as a frizzy-haired, sloppily-groomed, ignorant, smelly bad housekeeper. Personally, I think there are worse traits, but this is nonetheless your “friend’s” evil and obvious plot.

She is not much of a friend, is she? I say find a new bridge partner.

Peace and Love
agony ant


 

Dear Agony Ant,

Actually, Darlene is a lesbian in a committed relationship, so I am pretty sure she is not after Barry. However, Barry doesn’t realize she is gay since he doesn’t believe in gaiety, though he is a kind man, and if he knew Darlene and Adelia were lesbians I think he would accept it.

I think Darlene is just an extremely annoying, attention-seeking, know-it-all.

Sincerely,
Lapsing Pacifist


 

Dear Lapsing Pacifist,

Then you must become an Annoying Vegan (Veganism is delightful, we are going for Annoying). Tell her the omelette she is eating has a soul. Educate her about farming practices, with photos of stockyards, when she has a hamburger. Tell her that she is stealing nourishment from an innocent calf whenever she has a milkshake.

Describe in detail how young, strong, and healthy you feel, and alert her that a diet of leafy organic chard and root vegetables will clear up her oily skin and freshen her wan complexion. Serve bitter greens and binding grains when she visits, washed down with green liquid, telling her that you are helping flush toxins out of her internal organs. (Be sure to know the names and functions of all internal organs, by the way, and find ways to work the topic of internal organ specifics into any conversation.)

It’s not likely that she will make a connection between your behaviour and her own, but she might; and in the meantime you can enjoy her extreme annoyance at your intrusive and condescending lectures.

Don’t forget to keep a second refrigerator in your garage, full of eggs, milk, ice cream, and rib-eye steaks.

Peace and love,
agony ant

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Dear Agony Ant: A Decent Guy

Prompt: Refresh

origami-style-swan

Dear Agony Ant,

How do I stay fresh for a date after a long day at work, welding, eating waffle burgers at lunch, starting smoking again despite the nicotine patch, and getting into a fight with a co-worker, who called my mother a profane name? Please hurry; I’m meeting her (my date, not my mother. Don’t tell my mother about this) at 6:30.

A Decent Guy


Dear Decent Guy,

Let’s say you get off work at 5 pm. That gives you a full hour and a half to completely change your lifestyle. First, begin a healthy vegan diet, quit smoking cold turkey without the aid of a nicotine patch, keep a vow to turn yourself into the police tomorrow morning because of your assault on your co-worker, and use the funds saved from the high-paying career in welding to hire a good lawyer (alternatively, open a savings account and stop frittering away your income), and move out of your mother’s basement into a small one bedroom apartment with a laundry room. Join a lacrosse league.

Call your date and tell her you will be late. Then have a haircut, a manicure, and a long shower. Purchase a new casual outfit: a polo shirt and a pair of natural fiber slacks will be fine. Paint, or take an artful photograph of, an eye-pleasing arrangement of figs, a porcelain vase, and a pair of handcuffs on a white linen table cloth.

Sell your car and take an Uber to the restaurant where you are meeting your date. Read To The Lighthouse in the cab on the journey.

Present your guest with an origami swan that you made yourself, by way of amends for being late.

Eat a delicious vegan meal, and offer to pick up the tab, but let your date pay half if she insists.

Peace and love,
agony ant

 


Dear Agony Ant,

Really? A manicure? That seems kind of unmanly to me.

A Decent Guy


Dear Decent Guy,

Yes, a manicure. A lot of well-groomed men get professional manicures. Just forgo the nail polish. A 20% tip is standard.

Peace and love,
agony ant