Be Elusive

Prompt: Elusive

big peach

Fake  Horoscope #4: Be Elusive

Embrace diverse weather. Eschew pancakes. Be elusive. Carry water in a jug on your head. Sleep in a tent. Slap a groper. Freeze a peach. Float.

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Take Care of Yourself

Prompt: Take Care
When you’re unwell, do you allow others to take care of you, or do you prefer to soldier on alone? What does it take for you to ask for help?

calves

Fake Horoscope #3: Take Care of Yourself and Others

Today is the first day of the rest of your life. That’s right, you are reborn. This time, you can be a lot more careful. Eat green and orange vegetables, stand up straight, chew your food 32 times, and drink eight glasses of water a day. When you walk, avoid stepping on cracks, to preserve the health of your mother. If you or someone you love severs an artery, be sure you know how to apply a tourniquet. Wash your hands after delivering farm animals, especially calves. Your daily work is appreciated by your superiors, and a promotion may be in the offing. If a rabid dog appears on your street, call Atticus Finch, who is the best shot in the county. Don’t use tools like weed-whackers, axes, staple guns, or chain saws, in your bare feet. Dress appropriately for the season, the job at hand, your gender of choice, the political climate, and your sun sign. Capricorns should avoid wearing fur. Leather products, however, are fine, when used wisely. Aim high.

Predictions

Prompt: Life Line
You’re on a long flight, and a palm reader sitting next to you insists she reads your palm. You hesitate, but agree. What does she tell you?

crystal ball

Fake Horoscope #2: Predictions

Someone needs you to be a friend today. Find out who it is, by asking people that you encounter on the street at, school, and in the workplace. Ask: “Do you need a friend today?”. Once someone says “Yes”, then you will know this horoscope is correct. There is no need for further action.