Dear Agony Ant: WTF

Prompt: Saturday Night (Repost with new image)

Tsunami


Dear Agony Ant,

What are the worst possible things that could happen on a Saturday night date? Because I think they just happened to me.

Sincerely,
WTF


Dear WTF,

Without question the two worst possible things are:

1. Going out on a double date with your boyfriend’s best friend.

So, you and the best friend don’t get along, mostly because he is everything your boyfriend is not: cocky, arrogant, self-absorbed, sexist, and is none too fond of you, either. You are an adult, right? You can handle this. What you can’t handle is your boyfriend, as the evening wears on, soaking up the friend’s assholery like a sponge, so that when you are alone in the car, driving home, he turns into his best friend. This leads to an argument.

2. Arguments in the car.

There is no escape when you and your fellow combatant are stuck in a moving car. Crawling into the back seat does not help. Shouting sounds twice as loud and three times more hostile. Silences are highly tense moments when you both think of something even worse to say.

And when the boyfriend stops the car, opens the passenger door, and in a grand gesture worthy of his best friend, snarls “Get out!” you have a decision to make.

Do you exit the car in the dark on a country road and hope you get assaulted so boyfriend will feel terrible? Or stay put and stew silently, planning a revenge which includes no sex, ever, for all eternity? Either way, catastrophic.

So avoid the above two situations.

By the way, WTF, what happened to you on your date?

Peace and love,
agony ant


Dear Agony Ant,

I met my new boyfriend at a hotel bar, and he just disappeared, leaving me alone on a bar stool. Second, I lost my purse, or it was stolen. So I had no money and no phone. Then the hotel called the police and I was arrested for prostitution because I asked the guy on the stool next to me for some money. What’s worse, I think the boyfriend stole my purse.

Sincerely,
WTF


Dear WTF,

WTF, indeed.

Love and peace,
agony ant


  • Originally published January 29, 2016.
  • Today’s prompt: Grit

Agony Ant: Completely Normal Dude

Prompt: Hideout

raccoon-plush-toytabby-cat-plush

Dear Agony Ant,

I am an 18-year old man currently living in a winter hunting cabin in the woods, almost a mile from the city limits. Fortunately, I have Internet reception, which has allowed me to complete my high school education via online courses, where I did particularly well in chemistry, grammar, and gymnastics (though the latter grades were mostly honour system).

I hunt, fish, and visit the Safeway to meet nutritional needs. I have several different indoor, hunting, foraging, and public clothing sets, so I am presentable when picking up prescriptions from the pharmacy, for example, as well as properly attired for hunting rabbits. The cabin has a generator but no heat, but I find the wood burning stove adequate for my warmth needs.

My companion in the cabin is my large tabby cat, named Ferdinand. He is a competent mouser and watch-cat (alerted me to a blockage in the chimney one night, which saved us both), and is also quite affectionate. There is also a particularly friendly and persistent raccoon, who visits daily, and recently had a litter of babies, who now also visit. Unfortunately, the cat and the raccoon have not become friends, and in fact are quite hostile towards one another.

But, that is not the problem for which I am asking advice, Ms Ant. It’s my high school graduation ceremony and subsequent prom. Since I live alone (Ferdinand notwithstanding), I have very few acquaintances of either gender, yet I long to escort a date to the celebratory dance and whatever festivities might follow (specifically, sexual contact and loss of virginity).

The correspondence school is sponsoring a modest gathering in a city 55 miles from here, in the grand ballroom of the Best Western Motel there, and they need confirmation from me about my attendance and food allergy information, as well as how many rooms I will be booking for the evening.

So my questions are: a) Where does one find a non-psychotic date who is willing to attend a correspondence school prom and who is also not averse to having sex with me, a stranger, afterwards; and b) is there an outlet that will exchange a carefully fitted and stylish suit rental for dried huckleberries and 20 lbs of assorted cured squirrels, pigeon, and blue snake (which tastes a lot like chicken)?

Yours truly,
Completely Normal Dude


Dear Completely Normal Dude,

Yes, you are normal, despite the surface aberrations of living like a hermit and serving tea to raccoons. You are a horny elderly teenager who desperately wants to get laid, and even went so far as to study online so you would have justification for this compulsion, since you are so socially inexperienced that you equate prom attendance with loss of virginity.

If you are financially able (maybe shoot a few more squirrels), I suggest hiring a pretty youngish woman from a reputable escort agency to dress appropriately as your date, play the role, and initiate you into the wonders of fornication after a few grinds on the dance floor. This is a win-win-win situation: A win for you, getting your cherry picked by an expert; for your date, who will make quite a lot of cash for an easy, though time-consuming, assignment (don’t forget she will likely not want to spend the night with you at the Best Western Motel, so you will need to provide transportation at the end of your liaison); and a win for the unsuspecting young woman, identity unknown, whom you were prepared to inflict your illusory impulses upon.

As for the suit, have you considered shop-lifting? Many big box stores, which some say harm local economies, now sell jackets and pants which would suffice. Keep the berries and snake bacon for yourself, since you never know what might happen.

And may I commend you on your exquisite grammar.

Peace and love,
agony ant


Dear Agony Ant,

How did you know about the tea?

Completely Normal Dude


Dear CND,

It is my job to read between the lines. Do not become too attached to the raccoons, and not just because it could alienate and cause a breach of trust with Ferdinand. I see heartbreak ahead if you fail to realize that raccoons are wild, free spirits who will also overturn your garbage can.

Peace and Love,
agony ant

Agony Ant: Lapsing Pacifist

Prompt: Smooth

live-chicken

Dear Agony Ant,

I like to use a hair straightener/ flat iron on my frizzy hair to make it smoother and shinier, but my friend Darlene says I am just frying my hair and then hiding the damage.

Every time we meet up with the gang at Piper’s Pub, she makes a comment like, “Did you straighten it again? You are ruining your hair!”

She also believes I shouldn’t wear nail polish on fingers or toes because my nails won’t get enough oxygen, and that if I wear deodorant it will clog my pores. She would never grill meat on the barbecue, she informed me, because char gives you cancer.

Otherwise she is a fine bridge player, tells jokes well, gets on with my (second) husband Barry, and is a thoughtful dinner guest, though she does not visit our home without mentioning the number of dust mites hiding in the carpet, and showing us an enlarged picture of same on her iPhone.

I am weary of listening silently, then ignoring her advice, which is what my sister Evelyn counselled. In fact, I am thinking of purchasing a legal firearm.

How can I deal with Darlene in a way that will both quiet her tongue and allow me to feel some satisfaction that she will suffer a little, too?

Sincerely,
Lapsing Pacifist


 

Dear Lapsing Pacifist,

Have you realized yet that she is trying to steal your husband Barry? She wants him to see you as a frizzy-haired, sloppily-groomed, ignorant, smelly bad housekeeper. Personally, I think there are worse traits, but this is nonetheless your “friend’s” evil and obvious plot.

She is not much of a friend, is she? I say find a new bridge partner.

Peace and Love
agony ant


 

Dear Agony Ant,

Actually, Darlene is a lesbian in a committed relationship, so I am pretty sure she is not after Barry. However, Barry doesn’t realize she is gay since he doesn’t believe in gaiety, though he is a kind man, and if he knew Darlene and Adelia were lesbians I think he would accept it.

I think Darlene is just an extremely annoying, attention-seeking, know-it-all.

Sincerely,
Lapsing Pacifist


 

Dear Lapsing Pacifist,

Then you must become an Annoying Vegan (Veganism is delightful, we are going for Annoying). Tell her the omelette she is eating has a soul. Educate her about farming practices, with photos of stockyards, when she has a hamburger. Tell her that she is stealing nourishment from an innocent calf whenever she has a milkshake.

Describe in detail how young, strong, and healthy you feel, and alert her that a diet of leafy organic chard and root vegetables will clear up her oily skin and freshen her wan complexion. Serve bitter greens and binding grains when she visits, washed down with green liquid, telling her that you are helping flush toxins out of her internal organs. (Be sure to know the names and functions of all internal organs, by the way, and find ways to work the topic of internal organ specifics into any conversation.)

It’s not likely that she will make a connection between your behaviour and her own, but she might; and in the meantime you can enjoy her extreme annoyance at your intrusive and condescending lectures.

Don’t forget to keep a second refrigerator in your garage, full of eggs, milk, ice cream, and rib-eye steaks.

Peace and love,
agony ant

Dear Agony Ant: A Decent Guy

Prompt: Refresh

origami-style-swan

Dear Agony Ant,

How do I stay fresh for a date after a long day at work, welding, eating waffle burgers at lunch, starting smoking again despite the nicotine patch, and getting into a fight with a co-worker, who called my mother a profane name? Please hurry; I’m meeting her (my date, not my mother. Don’t tell my mother about this) at 6:30.

A Decent Guy


Dear Decent Guy,

Let’s say you get off work at 5 pm. That gives you a full hour and a half to completely change your lifestyle. First, begin a healthy vegan diet, quit smoking cold turkey without the aid of a nicotine patch, keep a vow to turn yourself into the police tomorrow morning because of your assault on your co-worker, and use the funds saved from the high-paying career in welding to hire a good lawyer (alternatively, open a savings account and stop frittering away your income), and move out of your mother’s basement into a small one bedroom apartment with a laundry room. Join a lacrosse league.

Call your date and tell her you will be late. Then have a haircut, a manicure, and a long shower. Purchase a new casual outfit: a polo shirt and a pair of natural fiber slacks will be fine. Paint, or take an artful photograph of, an eye-pleasing arrangement of figs, a porcelain vase, and a pair of handcuffs on a white linen table cloth.

Sell your car and take an Uber to the restaurant where you are meeting your date. Read To The Lighthouse in the cab on the journey.

Present your guest with an origami swan that you made yourself, by way of amends for being late.

Eat a delicious vegan meal, and offer to pick up the tab, but let your date pay half if she insists.

Peace and love,
agony ant

 


Dear Agony Ant,

Really? A manicure? That seems kind of unmanly to me.

A Decent Guy


Dear Decent Guy,

Yes, a manicure. A lot of well-groomed men get professional manicures. Just forgo the nail polish. A 20% tip is standard.

Peace and love,
agony ant

 

Dear Agony Ant: WTF

Prompt: Saturday Night
Tell us about the most exciting big night out you had recently.

black ant 2
Dear Agony Ant,

What are the worst possible things that could happen on a Saturday night date? Because I think they just happened to me.

Sincerely,
WTF


 

Dear WTF,

Without question the two worst possible things are:

1. Going out on a double date with your boyfriend’s best friend.

So, you and the best friend don’t get along, mostly because he is everything your boyfriend is not: cocky, arrogant, self-absorbed, sexist, and is none too fond of you, either. You are an adult, right? You can handle this. What you can’t handle is your boyfriend, as the evening wears on, soaking up the friend’s assholery like a sponge, so that when you are alone in the car, driving home, he turns into his best friend. This leads to an argument.

2. Arguments in the car.

There is no escape when you and your fellow combatant are stuck in a moving car. Crawling into the back seat does not help. Shouting sounds twice as loud and three times more hostile. Silences are highly tense moments when you both think of something even worse to say.

And when the boyfriend stops the car, opens the passenger door, and in a grand gesture worthy of his best friend, snarls “Get out!” you have a decision to make.

Do you exit the car in the dark on a country road and hope you get assaulted so boyfriend will feel terrible? Or stay put and stew silently, planning a revenge which includes no sex, ever, for all eternity? Either way, catastrophic.

So avoid the above two situations.

By the way, WTF, what happened to you on your date?

Peace and love,
agony ant


 

Dear Agony Ant,

I met my new boyfriend at a hotel bar, and he just disappeared, leaving me alone on a bar stool. Second, I lost my purse, or it was stolen. So I had no money and no phone. Then the hotel called the police and I was arrested for prostitution because I asked the guy on the stool next to me for some money. What’s worse, I think the boyfriend stole my purse.

Sincerely,
WTF


 

Dear WTF,

WTF, indeed.

Love and peace,
agony ant