Dear Agony Ant: WTF

Prompt: Saturday Night (Repost with new image)

Tsunami


Dear Agony Ant,

What are the worst possible things that could happen on a Saturday night date? Because I think they just happened to me.

Sincerely,
WTF


Dear WTF,

Without question the two worst possible things are:

1. Going out on a double date with your boyfriend’s best friend.

So, you and the best friend don’t get along, mostly because he is everything your boyfriend is not: cocky, arrogant, self-absorbed, sexist, and is none too fond of you, either. You are an adult, right? You can handle this. What you can’t handle is your boyfriend, as the evening wears on, soaking up the friend’s assholery like a sponge, so that when you are alone in the car, driving home, he turns into his best friend. This leads to an argument.

2. Arguments in the car.

There is no escape when you and your fellow combatant are stuck in a moving car. Crawling into the back seat does not help. Shouting sounds twice as loud and three times more hostile. Silences are highly tense moments when you both think of something even worse to say.

And when the boyfriend stops the car, opens the passenger door, and in a grand gesture worthy of his best friend, snarls “Get out!” you have a decision to make.

Do you exit the car in the dark on a country road and hope you get assaulted so boyfriend will feel terrible? Or stay put and stew silently, planning a revenge which includes no sex, ever, for all eternity? Either way, catastrophic.

So avoid the above two situations.

By the way, WTF, what happened to you on your date?

Peace and love,
agony ant


Dear Agony Ant,

I met my new boyfriend at a hotel bar, and he just disappeared, leaving me alone on a bar stool. Second, I lost my purse, or it was stolen. So I had no money and no phone. Then the hotel called the police and I was arrested for prostitution because I asked the guy on the stool next to me for some money. What’s worse, I think the boyfriend stole my purse.

Sincerely,
WTF


Dear WTF,

WTF, indeed.

Love and peace,
agony ant


  • Originally published January 29, 2016.
  • Today’s prompt: Grit

Agony Ant: How to Mend a Broken Heart

Prompt: Heal

fiona apple album

Dear Agony Ant,

How can you mend
A broken heart?
How can you stop the rain from falling down?
How can you stop the sun from shining?
What makes the world go round?
How can you mend this broken man?
How can a loser ever win?
Please help me mend my broken heart and let me live again.

Brokenly,
Bee Gees fan


Dear Bee Gees fan,

Time heals a broken heart. Rain, like sunshine and broken hearts, is inevitable. Some kind of physics makes the world go round. Losers keep trying, that’s how they win. But let me help you.

First, mourn a bit about your lost love. Wallow if it makes you feel better. Cry, if you don’t get miserable headaches as I do when I cry. Be sad with songs like this one:

If roses are meant to be red
And violets to be blue,
Why isn’t my heart meant for you?

Go ahead, listen and weep here.

Second, you have to remember that you are loveable. You might feel, right at this moment, unloveable. But you have been loved, are loved, and are loveable. Don’t ever forget that.

If you do forget that, go pet your dog. There is no love like the love your dog has for you. If you don’t have a dog, why don’t you?

Third is, yes, time. If you awaken in the morning with an ache that seems to consume your physical body, immediately tell yourself: This pain will not last. I will feel better.

Give yourself time. Be patient. You will feel better.

If you don’t have a song
To sing you’re okay
You know how to get along
Humming
Hmmm

Finally, be courageous again. Go out into the world and love and be with your friends and family. Because you are loveable and the world needs you as much as you need the world.

Peace and love,
agony ant

Agony Ant: Completely Normal Dude

Prompt: Hideout

raccoon-plush-toytabby-cat-plush

Dear Agony Ant,

I am an 18-year old man currently living in a winter hunting cabin in the woods, almost a mile from the city limits. Fortunately, I have Internet reception, which has allowed me to complete my high school education via online courses, where I did particularly well in chemistry, grammar, and gymnastics (though the latter grades were mostly honour system).

I hunt, fish, and visit the Safeway to meet nutritional needs. I have several different indoor, hunting, foraging, and public clothing sets, so I am presentable when picking up prescriptions from the pharmacy, for example, as well as properly attired for hunting rabbits. The cabin has a generator but no heat, but I find the wood burning stove adequate for my warmth needs.

My companion in the cabin is my large tabby cat, named Ferdinand. He is a competent mouser and watch-cat (alerted me to a blockage in the chimney one night, which saved us both), and is also quite affectionate. There is also a particularly friendly and persistent raccoon, who visits daily, and recently had a litter of babies, who now also visit. Unfortunately, the cat and the raccoon have not become friends, and in fact are quite hostile towards one another.

But, that is not the problem for which I am asking advice, Ms Ant. It’s my high school graduation ceremony and subsequent prom. Since I live alone (Ferdinand notwithstanding), I have very few acquaintances of either gender, yet I long to escort a date to the celebratory dance and whatever festivities might follow (specifically, sexual contact and loss of virginity).

The correspondence school is sponsoring a modest gathering in a city 55 miles from here, in the grand ballroom of the Best Western Motel there, and they need confirmation from me about my attendance and food allergy information, as well as how many rooms I will be booking for the evening.

So my questions are: a) Where does one find a non-psychotic date who is willing to attend a correspondence school prom and who is also not averse to having sex with me, a stranger, afterwards; and b) is there an outlet that will exchange a carefully fitted and stylish suit rental for dried huckleberries and 20 lbs of assorted cured squirrels, pigeon, and blue snake (which tastes a lot like chicken)?

Yours truly,
Completely Normal Dude


Dear Completely Normal Dude,

Yes, you are normal, despite the surface aberrations of living like a hermit and serving tea to raccoons. You are a horny elderly teenager who desperately wants to get laid, and even went so far as to study online so you would have justification for this compulsion, since you are so socially inexperienced that you equate prom attendance with loss of virginity.

If you are financially able (maybe shoot a few more squirrels), I suggest hiring a pretty youngish woman from a reputable escort agency to dress appropriately as your date, play the role, and initiate you into the wonders of fornication after a few grinds on the dance floor. This is a win-win-win situation: A win for you, getting your cherry picked by an expert; for your date, who will make quite a lot of cash for an easy, though time-consuming, assignment (don’t forget she will likely not want to spend the night with you at the Best Western Motel, so you will need to provide transportation at the end of your liaison); and a win for the unsuspecting young woman, identity unknown, whom you were prepared to inflict your illusory impulses upon.

As for the suit, have you considered shop-lifting? Many big box stores, which some say harm local economies, now sell jackets and pants which would suffice. Keep the berries and snake bacon for yourself, since you never know what might happen.

And may I commend you on your exquisite grammar.

Peace and love,
agony ant


Dear Agony Ant,

How did you know about the tea?

Completely Normal Dude


Dear CND,

It is my job to read between the lines. Do not become too attached to the raccoons, and not just because it could alienate and cause a breach of trust with Ferdinand. I see heartbreak ahead if you fail to realize that raccoons are wild, free spirits who will also overturn your garbage can.

Peace and Love,
agony ant

Agony Ant: Exquisitely Confused

Prompt: Exquisite

cute-tabby-kitten-with-great-dane-puppy-white-background-1396159751

Dear Agony Ant,

I have exquisite taste, and my gentleman friend does not. My home is a virtual gallery, with fine works of art, polished antique furniture, soft textures and subdued lighting, sheer drapes that billow luxuriously in a gentle breeze— you get the idea.

I’m also personally quite exquisite. I’m fit, healthy, thin, and dress well in classic clothing made of exquisite fabrics. My temperament is steady and kind, I am punctual, and I hold opinions that are sophisticated and defensible.

I couldn’t decide on which exquisite dog to bring home, so I have an exquisite pure bred, silky-coated Great Dane named Hunter, and a small ball of white fluff from the local shelter, named Darwin. Both look exquisite on the end of a leash, and have exquisite tempers.

My gentleman friend, whom I shall call Mr X, is not exquisite. His home, a condominium much too close to downtown, is decorated like a hotel room, in bland, tasteless colours, poor art prints, questionable lamps, and an outdated commode.

His clothing is shabby and often unpressed. He sometimes wears mismatched socks and doesn’t notice the minestrone on his tie. His shoes? Abominable. He could use a good manicure and pedicure.

As for his behaviour and his nature, he sometimes snorts. He finds all bodily functions natural and acceptable at any time and in any company. He uses foul language though I have expressly requested he stop. He is never on time, and while claiming to be fiscally conservative I suspect he is a communist.

He has a cat.

Gentlemen friends of his background are not easily come by. The alternatives however, are, frankly, cause for distress.

Should I maintain my relationship with Mr X or should I join an online dating site?

Sincerely,
Exquisitely Confused


Dear Exquisitely Confused,

Are you certain your home is exquisitely decorated and your opinions are defensible? You did not send photos or any conversation transcripts. Your choice of a companion, despite his exquisite heritage, is dirty, poorly groomed, foul-mouthed, and, I suspects, farts quite a bit.

If one makes one bad choice, are not all the others now suspect?

You can always force him to clean his clothing and trim his toenails, but one’s character is not so easily transformed. We cannot change the essence of others, despite our exquisite fantasies. Have him tone down the snorting and gaseousness, and search for the exquisiteness within his soul.

If that doesn’t work, fresh options are always exquisite.

If you join an online dating site, may I suggest that you are exquisitely careful, not sharing too early your private information, such as your phone number, address, or place of business. Use a recent photograph in your profile, and be specific about your likes and dislikes. Try exquisitely hard to develop a sense of humour.

Peace and love,
agony ant


Dear Agony Ant,

If he gets rid of the cat, wouldn’t that be enough?

Sincerely,
Exquisitely Confused


Dear Exquisitely Confused,

I choose to ignore the cat slur, since all animals are exquisite.

Peace and love,
agony ant

Agony Ant: Exhausted Hedonist

Prompt: Martyr

mosquito-cute

Dear Agony Ant,

My husband is a martyr. Not accidentally, and not because he spends too much time at work. And no, he hasn’t been put to death by an evil and godless entity.

But he subjects himself to his little sufferings with relish, like eating lumpy mashed potatoes, going barefoot on cold ceramic tile, making and drinking his own homemade red wine. He does this deliberately and takes pride in confessing, “God, this sucks.”

I don’t know how long I can suffer his martyrdom, but I admit, he is good in bed. I need more than a satisfying sexual relationship. I need a man who sprays on mosquito repellent instead of suffering masses of bites, who doesn’t only watch live TV because he wants to endure the commercial breaks, and who doesn’t push the q-tips too far in his ear as adventure.

Help!

Exhausted Hedonist


 

Dear Exhausted,

Yes, sounds annoying.

I suggest tempting the martyr, which has a fine biblical history of success. Has he tasted perfectly smooth, buttered, velvety, salted mashed potatoes? Try a ricer first, since I hear that makes for a smooth texture. I add yogurt or a bit of ricotta cheese for extra rich flavour.

Peace and love,
agony ant


 

Dear Agony Ant,

But what about the cold ceramic tiles? The awful homemade wine?

Exhausted Hedonist


 

Dear Exhausted,

Warm his cold toes between your thighs. Drink the wine first, though.

Peace and love,
agony ant

Vegetables and Day 10

Prompt: Vegetal

poachedeggonavocadotoast-2

Don’t say yes to stress! How to have one day of peace!

I could have been a contender in the click-bait olympics, don’t you think?

Well, I’ve actually been fairly stressed-out this past while, what with NaNoWriMo and the elections and all that, and thought I would share yesterday’s diet and very simple routine that made me feel a LOT better, for at least a day and a half!

The routine: News-free day. No checking out websites for any kind of news, local or international. No newspapers. No TV news hour. No discussions except about how cute your dog looks when he sleeps on his back. Take a walk if you can. Pay attention to your breathing, and breathe in lots of cool, fresh air. Read something— a comic book or Mark Nepo or how about tinybuddha.com‘s Quote of the Day? Today it is:

The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance. ~Alan Watts

The diet: Avoid sugar, caffeine, and too much alcohol.

Breakfast: Avocado and Egg Toast for 2

2 pieces whole grain bread, toasted
1 ripe avocado, pitted and sliced
Squeeze of fresh lemon
2 poached or fried eggs
Lots of salt and pepper
Mush half the avocado on each piece of toast and squeeze lemon juice onto each. Top with an egg, season well and serve with a hot cup of tea with honey. Note: this is delicious.

Lunch: Peanut butter sandwich, a banana, and a tall glass of cold milk.

Dinner: Grilled Salmon, curried brown rice and spinach salad with goodies of choice like feta cheese, tomatoes, cuke, sprouts, etc. (or make salmon cakes from a can of salmon mixed with egg, bread crumbs, lemon zest, and cayenne pepper). Have some dark chocolate for dessert, with a cup of milky chai tea or your favourite warming spice tea (I like Bengal). Avoid drunkenness.

Binge-watch a mystery series on Netflix, or channel surf for sit-com reruns (remember, no news). Play with your dog. Read Jane Austen or Jack London before sleeping; no mobile devices. After lights out consciously relax every part of your body, concentrating on your jaw, neck and shoulders. Have peaceful dreams.

It worked for me.

Decoy

Prompt: Value

wine_bottle_cork

Two bottles of wine were laying down in the cellar, chatting. One was a bottle of blended reds, the other a more expensive Cabernet Sauvignon. Above them, an old bottle of fine French wine lay dormant, a layer of dust covering its label.

“Betcha I’m the next to go,” said the expensive Cab Sauv.

“I’m cheaper, I’ll be picked sooner,” said the blend.

“Not if the old fart up there is on the menu,” said the Cab Sauv, who was more worldly than the blend.

“How so?” asked the blended wine…

The Decoy Price

wine-decoy-price

When a very expensive wine is put on the menu beside other price options, so that the middle price seems the reasonable choice.

This tactic is sometimes used with the food menu, too; for example, listing an inexpensive chicken dish, an upscale steak dish, and an outrageously priced lobster dish. The steak suddenly seems more reasonable and accessible than it would if there were no lobster on the menu.

The solution? Don’t look at the prices. Make your reasoned choices, and if the price is exorbitant, then you can scale down. Don’t let decoy prices fool you!

 

  • This advice brought to you by something I read on the Internet.