Agony Ant: Exquisitely Confused

Prompt: Exquisite


Dear Agony Ant,

I have exquisite taste, and my gentleman friend does not. My home is a virtual gallery, with fine works of art, polished antique furniture, soft textures and subdued lighting, sheer drapes that billow luxuriously in a gentle breeze— you get the idea.

I’m also personally quite exquisite. I’m fit, healthy, thin, and dress well in classic clothing made of exquisite fabrics. My temperament is steady and kind, I am punctual, and I hold opinions that are sophisticated and defensible.

I couldn’t decide on which exquisite dog to bring home, so I have an exquisite pure bred, silky-coated Great Dane named Hunter, and a small ball of white fluff from the local shelter, named Darwin. Both look exquisite on the end of a leash, and have exquisite tempers.

My gentleman friend, whom I shall call Mr X, is not exquisite. His home, a condominium much too close to downtown, is decorated like a hotel room, in bland, tasteless colours, poor art prints, questionable lamps, and an outdated commode.

His clothing is shabby and often unpressed. He sometimes wears mismatched socks and doesn’t notice the minestrone on his tie. His shoes? Abominable. He could use a good manicure and pedicure.

As for his behaviour and his nature, he sometimes snorts. He finds all bodily functions natural and acceptable at any time and in any company. He uses foul language though I have expressly requested he stop. He is never on time, and while claiming to be fiscally conservative I suspect he is a communist.

He has a cat.

Gentlemen friends of his background are not easily come by. The alternatives however, are, frankly, cause for distress.

Should I maintain my relationship with Mr X or should I join an online dating site?

Exquisitely Confused

Dear Exquisitely Confused,

Are you certain your home is exquisitely decorated and your opinions are defensible? You did not send photos or any conversation transcripts. Your choice of a companion, despite his exquisite heritage, is dirty, poorly groomed, foul-mouthed, and, I suspects, farts quite a bit.

If one makes one bad choice, are not all the others now suspect?

You can always force him to clean his clothing and trim his toenails, but one’s character is not so easily transformed. We cannot change the essence of others, despite our exquisite fantasies. Have him tone down the snorting and gaseousness, and search for the exquisiteness within his soul.

If that doesn’t work, fresh options are always exquisite.

If you join an online dating site, may I suggest that you are exquisitely careful, not sharing too early your private information, such as your phone number, address, or place of business. Use a recent photograph in your profile, and be specific about your likes and dislikes. Try exquisitely hard to develop a sense of humour.

Peace and love,
agony ant

Dear Agony Ant,

If he gets rid of the cat, wouldn’t that be enough?

Exquisitely Confused

Dear Exquisitely Confused,

I choose to ignore the cat slur, since all animals are exquisite.

Peace and love,
agony ant

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