Agony Ant: Exhausted Hedonist

Prompt: Martyr

mosquito-cute

Dear Agony Ant,

My husband is a martyr. Not accidentally, and not because he spends too much time at work. And no, he hasn’t been put to death by an evil and godless entity.

But he subjects himself to his little sufferings with relish, like eating lumpy mashed potatoes, going barefoot on cold ceramic tile, making and drinking his own homemade red wine. He does this deliberately and takes pride in confessing, “God, this sucks.”

I don’t know how long I can suffer his martyrdom, but I admit, he is good in bed. I need more than a satisfying sexual relationship. I need a man who sprays on mosquito repellent instead of suffering masses of bites, who doesn’t only watch live TV because he wants to endure the commercial breaks, and who doesn’t push the q-tips too far in his ear as adventure.

Help!

Exhausted Hedonist


 

Dear Exhausted,

Yes, sounds annoying.

I suggest tempting the martyr, which has a fine biblical history of success. Has he tasted perfectly smooth, buttered, velvety, salted mashed potatoes? Try a ricer first, since I hear that makes for a smooth texture. I add yogurt or a bit of ricotta cheese for extra rich flavour.

Peace and love,
agony ant


 

Dear Agony Ant,

But what about the cold ceramic tiles? The awful homemade wine?

Exhausted Hedonist


 

Dear Exhausted,

Warm his cold toes between your thighs. Drink the wine first, though.

Peace and love,
agony ant

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