Dear Agony Ant: Stressed in Texas

Prompt: Borrowed

aliens

Dear Agony Ant,

I find myself stressed out every day. This is because my husband is a conspiracy theorist who believes that chem trails are making the population docile, 9/11 was an inside job, Lee Harvey Oswald was just a puppet, the moon landing was a hoax, and that animals in public should have their genitals covered. I have three Pomeranians and can tell you, they would not go along with that at all.

Other than his conversation, he is a good husband, father, provider, and sex partner, except for the radiation blinds.

What should I do?

Sincerely,
Stressed in Texas


Dear Stressed in Texas.

Do you have any evidence that he cares one way or the other if you listen to him when he speaks? Or that he seeks your opinion on these matters? Chances are he only requires an occasional “mhmm” or “really?” to keep him as content as a chigger at a swap meet.

Learn the always-successful technique of non-listening without the use of earplugs: don’t listen. Think about weeds, God, Pittsburgh, January, or dial phones–  whatever you find diverting. My grandmother took up knitting and poetry composition to cope with a nearly identical situation with my grandpa, and they happily died in a car crash after 58 years of marriage.

Here is one of her poems:

Quick draw Dan McGraw
Ate a piece of fish, raw
When people asked him what he ate
He told them, “An invertebrate”.

While your husband is educating you, contributing the occasional “oh?” is optional, but a nice gesture.

Peace and love,
agony ant


Dear Agony Ant,

What about my Pomeranians?

Sincerely,
Stressed in Texas


Dear Stressed in Texas,

If your husband insists on canine modesty, borrow a few pairs of his boxer shorts.

Peace and love,
agony ant

 

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