Dear Agony Ant: A Decent Guy

Prompt: Refresh

origami-style-swan

Dear Agony Ant,

How do I stay fresh for a date after a long day at work, welding, eating waffle burgers at lunch, starting smoking again despite the nicotine patch, and getting into a fight with a co-worker, who called my mother a profane name? Please hurry; I’m meeting her (my date, not my mother. Don’t tell my mother about this) at 6:30.

A Decent Guy


Dear Decent Guy,

Let’s say you get off work at 5 pm. That gives you a full hour and a half to completely change your lifestyle. First, begin a healthy vegan diet, quit smoking cold turkey without the aid of a nicotine patch, keep a vow to turn yourself into the police tomorrow morning because of your assault on your co-worker, and use the funds saved from the high-paying career in welding to hire a good lawyer (alternatively, open a savings account and stop frittering away your income), and move out of your mother’s basement into a small one bedroom apartment with a laundry room. Join a lacrosse league.

Call your date and tell her you will be late. Then have a haircut, a manicure, and a long shower. Purchase a new casual outfit: a polo shirt and a pair of natural fiber slacks will be fine. Paint, or take an artful photograph of, an eye-pleasing arrangement of figs, a porcelain vase, and a pair of handcuffs on a white linen table cloth.

Sell your car and take an Uber to the restaurant where you are meeting your date. Read To The Lighthouse in the cab on the journey.

Present your guest with an origami swan that you made yourself, by way of amends for being late.

Eat a delicious vegan meal, and offer to pick up the tab, but let your date pay half if she insists.

Peace and love,
agony ant

 


Dear Agony Ant,

Really? A manicure? That seems kind of unmanly to me.

A Decent Guy


Dear Decent Guy,

Yes, a manicure. A lot of well-groomed men get professional manicures. Just forgo the nail polish. A 20% tip is standard.

Peace and love,
agony ant

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s